Chicago – Where QB’s Are Dis-Owned By Their Families

If you don’t read Hot Clicks on si.com, you really should.  On a daily basis, they provide readers with a myriad of links that contain gorgeous women, comical stories, and interesting ideas on many different levels.

A headline that appeared on Monday’s version of Hot Clicks got me fired up, though.  It was named “Lame Lions” and read, “Over the years, has the single-worst position in the NFL been quarterback for the Detroit Lions? After seeing this post, it’s hard to argue otherwise.”

I smell a challenge!

Oh yes, the Lions may be 0-9 this season.  Yes, they do have the worst record in the NFL since 2001 – mainly due to the disastrous reign of one, Matt Millen.  That doesn’t mean, however, that the quarterback position for the Detroit Lions is the runaway winner for most futile position in the league.  I believe a case needs to be made for another position: quarterback of the Chicago Bears.

To be fair…let’s just look at quarterbacks since McMahon was shuffling behind Sweetness to a Super Bowl ring, shall we?  Wouldn’t want this to get too ugly.  Plus, bringing up the dark days of Gary Huff, Bob Avellini, Bobby Douglass, Vince Evans and other guys from the 70’s would invoke too much pain to my brethren in the Bear community.  Plus, most of people reading wouldn’t know who the hell I was talking about.

* Denotes First Round Pick

You best be thanking Sweetness every day for that jewelry!
You best be thanking Sweetness every day for that jewelry!

The Hall of Halas

1. Jim McMahon* (1982-1988): The only reason he tops the list is because he got a Super Bowl ring.  We wont talk about the fact that he may wear that ring on his ear now.

2. Erik Kramer (1993-1998):  He led the Bears to precisely ZERO playoff appearance during his tenure, but makes the list because he is the franchise leader in touchdown to interception ratio.  No, that’s not a joke. His +18 TD/INT is the best ever….EVER!!

Solid, But I’m Not Gonna Wet My Pants

1. Kyle Orton (2005-present): Too soon? Nahhh. He’s in that elite fraternity of guys that has more TDs than INTs since Jimmy Mac.  His supporters would quickly defend his status here by telling the world that the Bears are 15-8 in games that he has started in his short career.  The neck beard puts him over the top for me.

Is there a QB in this world that can grow a better beard?  I think not.

2. Jim Miller (1999-2002): He gave us a division title in 2001, and posted nearly 6,000 passing yards over his four years in Chicago.  If only he didn’t get injured against the Eagles in ’01, we might have had a chance.  Ehhhhh, maybe not…

3. Jim Harbaugh* (1987-1993): This is a stretch.  Ahhhh, what the hell.  He did lead the Windy City to a couple of playoff appearances in ’90 and ’91, and even got himself a division title out of the deal.  The highlight of his career: Coaching Stanford past USC in 2007.

Mediocre Molly’s

1. Brian Griese (2006-2007): The Bears spent a lot of money on him to pressure Rex Grossman into being better.  Didn’t Rex prove that he cracks like a gangster being offered parole during the 2006 season?  Maybe I missed something here.

2. Chris Chandler (2002-2003): His Wikipedia page lists one of his career highlights as the “only quarterback to ever achieve single-game passer ratings of 0 and 158.3.”  He was the Bears insurance card when Jim Miller went down.  Guess they didn’t buy All State!

3. Shane Matthews (1999-2001): He didn’t help the Bears, but he didn’t kill them either.  So he gets the nod into this group.  Chris Berman did nickname him ‘The Shane Matthews Band.’  I guess that’s cool (notcool)

Chopping Off a Foot Would Have No Effect

Please start Caleb Hanie if Orton cant go! PLEASE!!!

1. Rex Grossman* (2003-present): Seriously, if you hacked off Rex’s left foot, would it affect how he plays?  He throws all of his passes off his back foot, and the cut in height couldn’t possibly make his percentage of deflected passes go any higher. If I had to gauge his speed on a scale of 1-10, he would get a -12. Folks, don’t tell me he led the Bears to a Super Bowl.  They got there despite him!

Backups Who Sucked Being Backups in Dallas

1. Steve Walsh (1994): He was drafted by Cowboys with the first pick in the 1989 Supplemental draft, costing the Cowboys their first round pick in 1990 – after finishing 1-15.  He fits right into the Bears team concept.

2. Chad Hutchinson (2004): Amazingly, his baseball career sucked more than is NFL career.  He pitched four innings for the 2001 St. Louis Cardinals, and racked up an ERA of 24.75.  He gave up as many earned runs (11) as he threw touchdowns.

More Backup Bombshells

1. Steve Stenstrom (1996-1998): Did his mom even know he played football?  I doubt it.

2. Mike Tomczak (1985-1990): Not only did Bears fans have to put up with his crappy throwing on the field, but you were stuck with him when Harbaugh inevitably got injured in Tecmo Super Bowl.  Trust me, he sucked there too!

The Doctors You Wouldn’t Want Performing Surgery On You

1. Craig Krenzel (2004): Maybe he’s not a doctor, but he’s smarter than most of the ones you go to.  The dude majored in molecular genetics at Ohio State.  Too bad he sucked at being a quarterback.  Can’t think your way out of a sack, can ya?  CAN YA?

2. Jonathon Quinn (2004):  I’m mixing him up with Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman.  My mistake.  Sorry.

The Franchise Hope…Killers

One of many first-round busts.

1. Cade McNown* (1999-2000): Here’s the epitome of his work ethic: He pled no contest in 1996 for illegal possession of handicapped parking pass.  Not only was he too lazy to walk the extra 50 feet to the Bruins practice facililty, he was too lazy to fight it to.

2. Kordell Stewart (2003): ‘Slash’ was supposed to buoy the QB position in Chicago to the hope of the future, Rex Grossman.  Instead, he put Bears fans into the fetal position for nearly five years.  Thanks, Kordell.

3. Rick Mirer* (1997): You may be questioning my * there, but look at the history books folks. I know the Bears didn’t draft him, but they traded a freaking first round pick for this waste of space after two awful years in Seattle.  He promptly threw no TDs and six picks, and was released at the end of the year.

The Guys With Two First Names

1. Dave Kreig (1996): He wasn’t that awful (6-6 record playing for the injured Erik Kramer), but since I didn’t know what group to put him in, I decided to make a one specifically for him.  Then I realized, he wasn’t alone…

2. Jeff Blake (2005): He was 8-9 for 55 yards and a TD in his only appearance in a Bears uniform.  I demand to know why we didn’t see more of him!  I WANT THE TRUTH!

The Guy With THREE First Names

1. Peter Tom Willis (1990-1993): He must have been a mistake because his parents clearly hated him.

They Didn’t Do God’s Work

Mark me down for 3 TDs and 8 INTs. This dude has no chance.

1. Moses Moreno (1998): This Moses couldn’t even part opposing defenses, let alone the Red Sea.

2. Cory Sauter (2002): His completion percentage with Chicago was .666 (repeating).  Cory Sauter is the devil!!!

The >36% Completion Club

1. Will Furrer (1992): He was 9-25 for 89 yards and three picks.  Sounds like someone I know…

2. Henry Burris (2002): He started in Calgary. then went to Saskatchewan, followed that up with Green Bay, flew south to Chicago, was banished to Berlin, got pissed and went back to Saskatchewan, and settled back down in Calgary.  Did he miss the memo that the South is warmer???

If you want to argue a position more futile than Chicago Bears QBs, you best bring your A-Game!  These guys sure as hell didn’t.