Our company softball team was in a real funk.
We roared out of the gates with a 4-2 record and sat in a tie for third place. Our team is comprised of co-workers, spouses, and friends – most of them being former athletes at one level or another. And despite the fact that only a few of us had prior baseball/softball experience on a high school or higher level, we fought off our opponents with a slew of hits, solid defensive plays, and playing hard.
Since that better-than-expected start, we hit a wall that looks higher by the week. In the last five games prior to Monday, we were 0-5, losing two games by three runs or less (one on a walk-off solo bomb), two by high double-digits, and a fifth due to forfeit because we were short a couple of players by the time the game started (turns out, we would’ve drilled the team we forfeited too).
To respond to the wave of losing – I decided to call on someone, errrr…something, that I’ve seen work magic before. Actually, it’s not magic – it’s voodoo.
If you’re familiar with the movie Major League, then you probably know where I’m going with this. If you haven’t seen the movie, you best put it in your NetFlix queue, post-haste, and report back to this column once your finished.
Cerrano needed help - and so did we...
Jobu will come - take fear from bats!
For those of you that have seen the movie – I’ll continue. I pulled a Pedro Cerrano, and called on Jobu to help our team. To my surprise, you can’t buy a Jobu voodoo doll anywhere on the internet (who knew?) – so I settled for printing out a picture of him that I found online. To keep him propped up, I displaced one of my Students of the Illinois News Broadcasters Association plaques, and placed the printed out picture on the plaque holder in our office (can you tell I want to win?). I then followed Cerrano’s lead, and presented an offering to Jobu – consisting of rum and a cigar. You ask anyone in our office, and they’d tell you I was convinced we would be victorious by asking for Jobu’s help. He takes fear from bats! We will take no prisoners!!
……
……
The opposing pitcher with one hand, like Cy Young winner Jim Abbott here, made few mistakes.
We got destroyed, 16-2. It was so bad, the slaughter rule came into effect after the fifth inning. Not only that, but we lost to Jim Abbott’s clone – no joke. I didn’t even realize the man only had one hand until the fourth inning when he made a slick fielding play on a comebacker, in which he fielded the ball and threw out our hitter with the same hand – switching his glove seemlessly to the opposite hand mid-play to record the out. Not only that, the guy was 3-3 with a double and two singles. He single-handedly took us apart. Oh jeez…uhhhhhh…was that joke inappropriate? I’ll be honest, I didn’t think about the pun until after I typed it. Oh well, my cursor only retreats if there is a typo…
(Seriously, though – someone that can play like that with a “handicap” of sorts is inspiring to say the least.)
Our team fell to 4-8, and out of playoff contention, and I felt nothing but rage toward Jobu. He was supposed to help our team! OK, so I did hit a homer, but I’ve had four of those on the season, and I was hitless in the game otherwise, so he didn’t go out of his way to help me in particular, and he sure didn’t assist our team’s luck! So that got me to thinking – what the hell went wrong??
Asking Too Much?: Cerrano asked Jobu to come because, “Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straight-ball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid.” I wasn’t asking for help with curveballs, I needed wins. I would’ve given up all of my homers for another win or two. Jobu must not have understood.
The one time where I was completely opposed to Illinois' public smoking ban.
Cigar Choice: I would imagine on Cerrano’s contract with the Indians, he could afford to smuggle and buy a Cuban cigar. I on the other hand, was stuck with the grape flavored, White Owl cigar I bought at the 7/11 down the street from our office. C’mon now – don’t give me that look!! At least I didn’t present Jobu with a Swisher Sweet! Another problem was that Cerrano was able to light the cigar for Jobu. During the time that film was made, about 4% of American’s cared about the harm of smoking, and they sure didn’t have any laws pertaining to smoking in a public building. I was hamstrung – I couldn’t light the dang thing! And I sure as hell wasn’t about to go outside in the morning rain, sit 50 feet away from the door next to picture of a voodoo doll with a lit cigar. But if that’s what it takes, I may consider it…
Should've splurged more on the rum...
Rum Choice: I’m not sure what brand Cerrano used, but I thought the 1/4 bottle of imported Baroca would do the trick. That was, until I read the bottle a little closer the following day and noticed the word “Diluted” on there, and the “21% proof”, and found it was imported from the Virgin Islands. I mean, honestly, that does NOT qualify as a freaking import; they use American money!!!
I admit, I could have put forth more effort, and stepped up the offerings to Jobu a little bit, but I’m not asking to win a professional baseball game – just a slow pitch softball game. So I assumed the offerings could be “dumbed down” a bit. Boy was I wrong!
Then, the idea struck me like the rogue maple that smacked Eddie Harris. Did Jobu even help Cerrano?? Think about it. Down a couple runs late in the game, Cerrano swings and misses at a couple of dueces, steps out of the box and says, “I pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I good to you. I stick up for you. If you no help me now…I say (expletive) you Jobu, I do it myself!” Then he turns around a jacks the game-tying homer. But did Jobu help him, or did Cerrano do it himself?? Or…oh no…no, no, no, no, no. Hold the phones here. Did Cerrano hit the homer because of that stupid bucket of KFC that Jake Taylor gave him before the game, in place of the live chicken Cerrano wanted to sacrifice so he could have extra power? Awwww man! I went about this all wrong! Team Scoutware – looks like we’re hittin up Kentucky Fried Chicken before the next game!
The key isn't with Jobu, or with Captain Morgan...it's with the Colonel baby!
