The Brett Favre Saga

Not only did we get a Major League Baseball All-Star game that was a boderline debacle, but now without two days of baseball – and zero major professional sports to occupy by free time, the sports networks are all jamming one of two stories down our throats: Roger Clemens is as guilty as O.J., and Brett Favre is begging to return.  I don’t see either of these stories ending peacefully – but since I’m wayyyy passed the Clemens story, let’s look at the Favre situation.

I believe somewhere in The Bible As Written By Ditka – also known as the Chicago Police Department handbook that I, as a Bears fan, must loathe Brett Favre.  I held that perspective for the first 20 years of my life, until one day, I figured out why I always caught myself sneaking a peak at Packer games at every opportunity.  It’s not because I hated Brett Favre and was rooting for the Packers to lose – it’s because deep down, I was jealous of what Packer fans had (as I wrote in a column here during college).

Now – I’m beginning to question the motives of the person I was jealous of.  Less than a year after I rooted for Favre when the Bears were out of contention, I can’t figure out why he’s using his standing as ‘The Man That Is Bigger Than The Franchise’ to hold his employer hostage.  I just don’t get it.  To understand the full story, you have to understand all of perspectives.  I count five of those – let’s take a look.

Favre’s Side:
He claims he retired too early.  As a Bears fan, I wished he was the host of the post prom party where Mark Chmura got a little too touchy feely with the 17-year-old babysitter of his children.  Hell, I considered driving up to Green Bay on numerous occasions, find Brett at the local pub, buy him eight shots and then challenge him to a fight hoping he’d take a swing with his right hand, and break it while shattering my skull (albeit I was 14 at the time, couldn’t legally drive, and would’ve need one helluva ID to get passed the bouncer – or just tell him that Brett was my dad).

The timeline of the events taking place in the last few months is downright laughable.  He tearfully retired in March, called and wanted back in before the draft, was going to be welcomed back, only to turn around and say to his bosses that he was going to stay retired.

Now it’s July and Favre has the “itch” once again, and if his needs can’t be satisfied in Green Bay, he wants to find a backscratcher somewhere else.  16 years of knowing only one team, one town, one life, and he would actually consider strapping on shoulderpads in another stadium eight times a year.  Oh, but he doesn’t want to file for reinstatement just yet – what the hell??

Best case scenario: Doc Brown takes him back to the first of March and he cancels his plane tickets to Green Bay.  And the tape of the interview with Greta Van Sustere that he takes along with him changes into a one-on-one interview with his doctor prescribing him ointment for this nagging “itch” that he has.

The Packers Organization:
They were disappointed when Favre retired – but you never heard them say, “Holy crap, what do we do without him.”  They mourned and cried right along with Favre, but were in the war room at 5:30AM the next morning figuring out what to do A.B. (after Brett).  They laid out the plan, and went about scouting the quarterbacks in the upcoming draft, when a few weeks before the two-day event in April – Favre called asking to come back.  They dropped the notebooks full of information their college scouts had compiled over the previous couple of weeks, booked the private jet flight (I think that only involves calling the pilot – but I’m not up on my private jet protocol…yet) and were ready to welcome the man from Mississippi back into the family business.  But once again, Favre changed his mind like John Kerry over a hot ticket voting item, and told the Packers he wasn’t commited.

Plan B: The Packers moved on in life without Favre, and proceeded to use their second round pick to draft Brian Brohm out of the University of Louisville to make sure they had a couple different options in a year where they had a Super Bowl contender.  Then a few weeks ago, Favre wants back in the fray.  The Packers used a No. 1 pick a few years ago on Aaron Rodgers (yikes – I’m 767 words deep, and that’s the first time I brought up his name), and now a second round pick on Brohm, they don’t want those two investments to rust any longer.  Favre has treated the franchise like punching bag and now wants to put the proverbial gun to their head: start me, or release me.

Favre must’ve forgotten that he’s a GOD to the people in Wisconsin.  There is no way Ted Thompson and the Packers organization could let Favre play in another uniform.  Let’s be honest, any color other than yellow and green would clash with his grey hair.  They won’t trade him either – so don’t even think about it.  They’re left with one option if he fills out the paperwork: find a roster spot for him.  Can you really expect Aaron Rodgers to succeed if Brett Favre is standing on the sidelines with headsets on, one snap away?

Best Case Scenario: The reinstatement papers get lost in the mail, or if he decides to crash training camp, they stick the entire offensive line in one room with him – after two-a-days.

Packer Fans:
I saw pictures of Wisconsin the day after Favre “called it a career.”  Adults wept, school was meaningless for the children, and the cows refused to give milk.  But ya know what they did on Friday night?  They had a beer, talked about the good ol’ days, had another 18 beers, and stumbled home drunk.  Then they sat home and replayed the retirement speech in their underwear, hungover – weeping and hitting rewind over and over again.

Despite what some polls say, they’d welcome back Favre quicker than he can pull the trigger on a slant route.  They staged a rally in his defense, and have vowed to continue until he is reinstated by the team.  Oh this is going to end well.  Not only will Favre hold the team hostage, but the people of Wisconsin will march until he returns – driving the price up of a gallon of milk.  Only one word to describe that: SELFISH.

Best Case Scenario: Favre sticks to his guns – and hunts game in Mississippi!

Aaron Rodgers:

The only thing he could’ve done to help his own cause would’ve been to jump in front of Charles Barkley’s golf swing during the celebrity tournament this past weekend.  God knows he would have enough time – have you seen Sir Charles’ golf swing lately?  The hitch in his giddyup makes a hacker like me cringe at the sight of it.  I don’t regret taking him No. 2 overall though – because according to Rick Reilly, Charles deals out shots of Patrone like they’re Apple Pie shots.

Oh – Aaron Rodgers…my bad.  His focus should be on two things: keeping his mouth shut, and hitting receivers in stride.  And don’t worry Aaron, if Brett ends up on the sidelines with the headset on – you wont be yanked unless your completion percentage drops below, say, 93.

Best Case Scenario: Doubles as the mail carrier to Brett’s house in Kiln, and burns the incoming and outgoing mail everyday – all while delivering forty mocked-up letters from Warren Sapp and Michael Strahan saying how cool it would be to be elected into the Hall of Fame together.

Bears Fans:
As long as the guy QB’ing the Packers remembers to throw to us half as many times as Grossman throws it to them, we’ll be satisfied.  Nuff said.

Best Case Scenario: The Madden Curse comes true again this year.