Ladies (yes plural) and gentlemen, get ready for Terry’s Tire World IV! Our draft is just days away, and the excitement is mounting exponentially each day. We do have a few new league-members this year, and since everyone is linked through me in some way, shape, or form, I decided to get everyone acquainted with each other using a tool just shy of the greatness of Google, and 100x more creepy. Courtesy of Facebook, I present to you the lineup of TTW-IV for 2008!
1. Craig Heckman – Team Heckman
Pictured with son Carson, Craig is a perennial top-tier guy who may or may not function well without trading partner Lance playing this year due to the fact he’s getting married and moving. Lame excuses I say! Nonetheless, he’ll find his way to stalk the top of the field – maybe this year without the password of the last place person! Don’t screw with me!
2. Kristan Knight – Team Knight
Pictured here with me when we interned in Chicago a couple years ago, she’s your a-typical helpless die hard Cubs fan. Hint: She will take no less than 2 current Cubs players, and will most certainly grab Mark Prior. For those of you that planned on drafting him, don’t even think about it! Despite some middle-of-the-pack performances in past years, Kristan stunned the field by taking the Football variation to Terry’s Tire World.
3. Derek Carroll – Team Fuckadome (sp?) ….yes…you misspelled it.
Pictured here after his cameo stint on “To Catch a Predator,” Derek is working for the government in some way, shape, or form. G14 classified kinda stuff, maybe. I had a friend in the CIA make sure he wasn’t using some sort of governmental supercomputer to run his team, and everything came back clean. Solid player, always pesky. He’s got alligator blood. (By the way, I was joking about the “To Catch a Predator” thing).
4. Ryan Ferguson – Team Ferguson
If you’re wondering why he looks like he’s 14…it’s because he actually is. My former boss at the newspaper (sports editor) and former employee at the radio station, the man knows his stuff. Despite being a Cardinal fan, he does use both halves of his brain in most other circumstances. He low-balled me on every contract I signed for the newspaper, and that’s bad karma. And noooooobody wants to mess with karma – not in fantasy baseball.
5. Kyle Moss – Team Moss
This single, 22-year-old, aspiring journalist enjoys long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, and reading a good book next to an open fire. And as of two seconds ago, is on the phone with a hitman giving him my address. Another former boss of mine at the newspaper (asst. sports editor) and employee of mine at the radio station, Kyle is another unfortunate Cardinal fan. One day, he’ll find the light too. As for fantasy baseball…I’ve just heard good things.
6. Ryan Thomas – Results May Vary
Nicknamed RT, the man pictured above would rank among the top-10 hicks that are non-AGR frat members that I met at Western. My former asst. sports director is a Cubs fan by day and one of 6 registered hockey fans left in the United States. When I first asked him to be in the league, he denied. Then I said, “Ryan, I almost didn’t play fantasy football this year, and you know what happened?” He didn’t even have to hear the rest.
7. Justin Jacobs – Joba The Hut
A recent padowan that used the force I taught him for the dark side, this Steinbrenner wannabe had A-Rod, Hanley Ramirez, Matt Holliday, and Mark Teixeira on his team last year and still lost – mainly because he traded the last two guys to me mid-season. This year, he is employing a new strategy dubbed O.B.R. – better known as Operation Beat Ruter. Good luck my friend, may the force be with you.
8. Luke Glendenning – McNamee’s Needles
Don’t let the two youngsters on the outside fool ya. The one on the left is a future left-handed junkballer that will be on the fast-track to the MLB if I have anything to do with it, and the one on the right can guilt you into darn near anything. Oh yea, for the man in the middle, what can I say, he’s my fantasy nemesis. If he’s not leading, he’s right there. Not only that, but I haven’t beat him in a real golf round in nearly two years. I did win our simulated match at St. Andrews, however.
9. Alicia Glendenning – Pulchritudinous Professionals
(See Photo Above)
The lovely wife/mother shown in the picture above is the quintessential trooper that will more than likely beat the crap out of us this year. She’s the reason why no one will ever have a legitimate excuse NOT to play fantasy baseball. Not only is she schooling those two youngsters shown, she’s got a third on the way, and is due toward the end of the season. I’ll be honest with ya…we’re all screwed. Her plan is to lock up the title before she has to have the kid. Now that’s focus people!
10. Chad Ruter – Clemens’ Abscess
This stunningly handsome man pictured above not only uses phenomenal grammar in his team name (mainly because Ferguson and Moss neglected to proofread stories and I would look like an idiot otherwise), but is preparing to take home is third consecutive TTW title. He can’t wait for the season to start and wishes everyone the best while their first round picks rot on the disabled list. 3-Peat, here we come!
